02 Jun Mindfulness for Difficult Emotions
Mindfulness for Difficult Emotions
How do you react to difficult emotions like anxiety, guilt, or anger?
Here in Melbourne, we’re in our fourth lock-down in response to another wave of community transmission of the COVID-19 virus. Many of us may be feeling some stress, anxiety, sadness, and frustration.
When we’re faced with difficult situations and uncomfortable feelings many of us habitually respond by judging ourselves and/or others harshly. We might try to push our feelings away. Or draw lines of blame and shame that separate us from ourselves and each other, adding another layer of suffering to the original hurt.
But there is another way.
My teacher Tara Brach calls this alternative pathway “Radical Acceptance.” Which means clearly recognizing what is happening inside us, and regarding what we see with an open, kind, and loving heart.
When you encounter a painful emotion like anger, guilt, or shame, the first thing to remember is you haven’t done anything wrong. All of the emotions we experience as a human are completely natural.
All emotions have intelligence, and we have an opportunity to access that wisdom through recognizing, accepting, and responding to our emotions with kindness.
Let me give you an example from my own recent experience.
Recently on a typical weeknight, I finished my five-hour phone interviewing shift at around 9PM. I’d had a successful and enjoyable evening speaking with some colourful characters. Stepping out of my home office I was feeling buoyant and looking forward to spending some time unwinding with my partner.
The vegetable soup I’d prepared earlier in the day was warming on the stove. While enjoying dinner we were going to watch an episode from our all-time favourite Netflix series – Homeland.
I found Simon sitting on the couch with his laptop out and a spreadsheet open in front of him. He said he’d just started on some work he needed to do by tomorrow. My heart sank a little. And a voice inside me said “Couldn’t he have got this done while I was working too!” The same voice reasoned that of course he needed a break after teaching all day at school. Anyway, all was not lost. He’d take a break for dinner.
I felt proud of my efforts cooking from a new recipe. Simon is a fantastic intuitive cook and does most of the cooking, while I’m slowly expanding my culinary horizons. I served up our soup with love and snuggled in next to Simon. Pretty soon the cat was up on the couch sniffing inquisitively at the hot buttered sourdough toast, and the dog was curled up at our feet. Everybody together!
At the end of the meal Simon paused the episode and picked up his laptop. I cleared our dishes and then offered to make an extra piece of “desert” toast. I was standing behind Simon in the kitchen and he couldn’t hear me. I repeated the offer and asked him if he wanted Nutella. Anxious to be working he gave me a short, clipped reply. Something like – look whatever you think is fine.
I felt a stab of hurt in my heart – the beginning of a cascade of intense feelings, physical sensations and thoughts that seemed to unfold in slow motion.
My breathing was shallow, my chest and throat were tight, and my back felt rigid. As I went through the motions of making his toast an angry and defensive voice in my head said “Well, I’ll make his toast but I’m not going to hang around with him anymore. I’ll just go to bed early or go back to my office to read. Actually, maybe he should go to his office if he’s going to work!”
The watching part of my mind recognized my anger, righteousness, and passive-aggressive energy. Simon could feel me boiling away behind him too.
“Honey, are you angry with me?” he said.
I took a deep breath. “Yes,” I said, “my feelings have been hurt – just give me a few minutes.”
My heart was still aching. And my mind reacted by generating more stories of blame – this time directed at myself. “You’re too needy. You’re co-dependent. You need to learn how to spend more time alone in the house. Get some more friends. You’ve been living here for a few months now and you need to take more responsibility for making your own social connections. Nobody wants to deal with a needy girlfriend.”
Wow!
The watching part of my consciousness recognized these as what another one of my teachers calls “tearing thoughts.” These are the type of negative thoughts and limiting beliefs that make us feel bad. Those thoughts that think I’m no good, I’m boring, no one loves me, I’m stupid/weak/ugly/too thin/too fat/too short/too tall – we all have a “go to” flavour of tearing thoughts. And while they may feel real – they’re not true!
If your thoughts are causing you pain, you’re believing something that is not true!
I put a hand on my aching heart and said to myself your heart hurts right now darling, it’s okay. It’s going to be okay. Just breathe.
I sat down on the couch next to Simon. He looked at me and asked me if I had any “A statements”.
An “A statement” is an accurate statement of present feeling. Recognized and expressed without judgement, an “A statement” is a portal to befriending and tending to whatever is present.
This is Radical Acceptance in action. We practice Radical Acceptance by pausing and then meeting whatever is inside of us with this kind of unconditional friendliness. Instead of turning our jealous thoughts or angry feelings into the enemy, we pay attention in a way that enables us to recognize and touch any experience with care. Nothing is wrong – whatever is happening is just “real life”.
Feeling tears well up in my eyes, I took a deep breath and shared that I felt hurt, disappointed and that I was having tearing thoughts.
I was in touch with the uncomfortable pain in my heart and choosing to keep redirecting my attention there, rather than going down the rabbit warren of my tearing thoughts. Now I was ready to offer myself the care and comfort I needed.
Radical Acceptance is meeting whatever is inside of us with kindness
The Buddha taught that this human life is characterized by dukkha or suffering. There is sickness, there is aging, there is death. This is the First Noble Truth and none of us is immune to these natural processes. There is stress, discomfort, and disappointment, and this is part of being a human being.
Luckily, the Buddha taught that there is also a way out of suffering!
Experiencing challenging emotions like anger, anxiety and guilt is not wrong. Rather, these feelings let us know that we need to pay attention to our experience with kindness and tend to and befriend ourselves.
With Radical Acceptance, instead of condemning yourself for your mistakes and failures, you can use your experience of suffering to soften your heart. And it is this loving awareness that allows us to grow, awaken and transform.
American psychologist and founder of the humanistic approach in psychology, Carl Rogers, has said: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
When we make an “A Statement” and name and accept our unconscious feelings, we bring them above the line and into the light of conscious awareness where change can happen. A shift in our perspective can happen, and we’re able to access more resources and respond more skilfully to whatever situation we find ourselves in.
Practices for cultivating self-compassion
Here are some mindfulness practices that you can use to cultivate self-compassion and respond skillfully to difficult emotions.
Become aware of your own self-talk
When you make a mistake or face a challenge do you speak kindly to yourself – or is your self-talk critical and judgmental?
Many of us aren’t even aware of the voices in our head, and it can be a shock to realise you have an inner critic speaking inside you. When I first became aware of my own self-talk, the voice inside my head sounded like a drill sergeant in the Army! Strict, uncompromising, and dedicated to achieving (unachievable) perfectionistic results. My drill sergeant voice even commented on my failures as a meditator, strictly curtailing my unruly mind whenever I got lost in a thought.
It can take some time to re-train our self-talk, but change can happen. Remember that if you are believing a thought that is painful, then it is a thought that is not true! So, I can thank my drill sergeant voice for trying to keep me safe and focused on what is important to me – but I don’t have to believe that I’m a failure and that I need to try harder. Instead, I can choose to get in touch with a different voice in my committee. A wiser, kinder, and more accepting voice that recognizes we all make mistakes sometimes and making mistakes is okay.
The practice of noting
Another practice you can try is simply called “noting.” Find a quiet space where you can sit and practice for 10-15 minutes. Take a moment to arrive and relax your body, then turn your attention inwards and notice the arising and passing of sensations, sounds, thoughts and feelings.
As best you can, make a mental note of what you observe, such as: birds singing, left knee itching, feeling sleepy, thinking about lunch, car-door slamming outside, remembering a tough conversation with my boss, feeling restless.
In between “noting” of the events that arise in your awareness, you can rest your attention with an anchor like the movement of your breath, or the sensations in your hands.
When you find yourself lost in a memory or a thought, you can simply and kindly note ‘lost in thinking’ and return to your noting practice. If strong feelings arise, can you allow them to be there?
This doesn’t mean becoming consumed by your anger, frustration or sadness and the stories that accompany the feeling – rather it means bringing loving awareness to witness this part of you that is suffering. And if you can’t allow the strong feeling to be there – that’s okay, you can bring loving awareness to the part of you that is saying no.
Cultivating mindful awareness and acceptance of what is, helps us increase our resilience and meet our experiences with kindness and compassion.
A third practice that is highly effective for building self-compassion is the R.A.I.N self-compassion meditation practice. R.A.I.N stands for Recognise, Accept, Investigate, and Nurture, and I’ll share more about this technique in a future post. We’ll also be practicing R.A.I.N in the next term of the Mindfulness Meditation Sitting Group. You’re very welcome to join us on a Monday night – send me a message by completing the contact form below and I’ll get in touch with your invite. Take good care wherever you are in the world right now. With metta, Sarah x
References and Further Reading
Tara Brach “The Power of Radical Acceptance: Healing Trauma through the Integration of Buddhist Meditation and Psychotherapy” https://www.tarabrach.com/articles-interviews/trauma/
Swami Shankarananda, Happy for No Good Reason (2004). See in particular: Part II, Chapter 5 – “Self Talk” and Chapter 6 – “When You’re Happy, Say You’re Happy”.
Kristin Neff, Self-compassion; The proven power of being kind to yourself (2011).
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